When I look at myself, I feel laconic at times. That’s because I always trouble my inner self so very much that I feel ashamed. I always look for myself in someone else’s book. It’s quite obvious that you can find only a tinge of yourself in that book. When somebody tells me that I am good, then I add that to my strengths. When someone says “you like fruits”, then I add them to my favourites. When someone says that “looks like you like me”, then I start over thinking. And finally I start liking that person.
I have been living this life for a long time now. There is no self respect. If someone persuades me to do something, I will do that. It’s like I have a curse. This curse will not allow me to say no. If I had to say no, then the only question that gets triggered in my mind is “Am I a bad person”.
I have been hurting myself like this since many years. One thing I always used to wonder, if I am a part of their book, why will they erase my name from the “table of contents”? I always used to feel bad when someone forgets me or someone criticises me. I did know that everybody has their own set of positives and negatives. But I keep forgetting about my negatives.
After few vitriolic experiences, I understood that, not everything written in somebody else’ book is me. I am somebody else. I need not run behind anybody. Then slowly I understood that I had identity crisis and inferiority complex.
I was wasting my precious time impressing somebody else. Why should I?
I always gave love and expected the same from everybody.
Then I entered into “I am a bad girl” phase
After few days of serious introspection, I understood that, there is nothing wrong in my behaviour. The only mistake I did was I was expecting from everybody. Expectations ruin everything. I always thought that everyone should think well about me.
But when you experience a grain of reality, you either feel happy or sad. This reality made me sad. But once I accepted the reality, I became the most idyllic person. I don’t search for myself in somebody else’s book. I have my own book. I read it very often. Thanks to reality!